Autistic Women Blog 10/23/2020
Have you ever woken out of zoning out only to realize that you were giving some innocent person the death stare? How about getting so sucked into a tv show that you have no idea how much time has passed? Or, zoning out and realizing that you missed half of a lesson in class? How frustrating!
I wish people could understand that I’m not staring at them. I’m either shut down and resting internally or I’m living an adventure in my mind. If I’m shut down, it feels like some one turned the light switch off in my mind. I literally can’t think. Sometimes it’s just for a second, sometimes for several minutes. I’ve learned to catch myself and bring myself out of it. I had to come to the realization on my own that I was doing this and fix it myself.
When I am daydreaming it’s a little more fun. It’s a break from the world where I can do whatever I want. I can have a tea party with aliens or breath under water and swim as far as I want. I can design the next flying machine or time travel and wear Victorian clothing.
Meanwhile, my face gets a mind of its own and looks like I’m possessed by a demon or something. I wish my face had a smile instead of a hateful look when I am zoning. But no. I have to look like a murderer waiting to happen.
I also wish that I had the time and space to zone out in peace because I do feel better afterwords. But life doesn’t always allow for that time. As I get older I am learning just how important rest really is. I’ll save that for another blog.
So I guess my dreaded stare sessions are necessary. I just want to say that I’m sorry to all of the victims of my demon face. Because, as I’m writing this, I am remembering several moments throughout my life that I know my stare offended someone. It’s not on purpose. I’m just taking a mental break.